26 Weeks

I thoroughly enjoyed celebrating my first Mother's Day! :-D

Our Wedding - Ceremony

I remember visiting the church we rented for the wedding shortly after our contract was confirmed, looking down that center aisle, and wondering how in the world I was going to walk down it in front of nearly 400 people. Situations that have put me at the center of attention nearly always make me feel awkward and out of place, but I knew there was no getting around this one. Fortunately, my fears were completely unrealized, and when that big moment came, all I wanted to do was be up there with my man.

Our wedding ceremony went nearly without a flaw. And you know what? Those tiny little imperfections honestly did not matter at the moment. So many dreams that I had nurtured for years were realized in that short hour, and the end result was so happy and perfect. :-) I wanted those precious moments to stretch on forever, but though it is all over now, I have dozens of memories to reflect on, and hundreds of pictures to browse through, and relive what turned out to be such a perfect day.

Music has always been a huge part of my life, and through an opportunity to play in the MYS orchestra for three years as a young teenager, being part of a church ensemble, piano lessons, and having students of my own, there grew a fierce desire for music to be a central part of my wedding. Outside of actually being married in the end, it was quite honestly the most important thing to me, and God allowed those desires to be so beautifully met through the generosity and talent of many dear, long-time friends.

Since hearing this song a few years back, I knew that if the Lord worked out the details, this would be my wedding processional.  Having two friends who I used to play in ensemble with available for violin and viola, a brother and sister team with trumpet and cello, my sister playing violin II, a long-time family friend (and former babysitter for me) play flute, and a dear more recent friend from SD play piano, I had myself a little mini orchestra. They did a *beautiful* job, and I couldn't have been happier. The same arranger of the former piece also wrote my recessional. A little sample of that is here.

Mixed with all of this was a favorite choral piece of mine sung by 8 friends while the family was being seated, this two-violin, piano duet of 'O Perfect Love' during the candle lighting, a harp arrangement of 'Christ We Do All Adore Thee' played during our marriage license signing by one of my bridesmaids, and lots of piano prelude and duo violin prelude and postlude music. I also had an hour of live background music at our reception with harp and duo violin. My only regret is that I didn't get to hear more of it played! 

Our ceremony itself was fairly traditional, with the exception that we included our marriage license signing as part of it. I had seen this in a few Canadian ceremonies, and we both liked the meaning and significance of it. A slightly unexpected twist involved my Dad giving Joel a tennis ball right before giving me away, and informing him, "The ball is in your court now!"

 Overall, that short hour was all I dreamed of, and the presence of so many dear friends and family made it that much more special. Now, to only be able to relive that day whenever my heart desires.... :-)

Our two moms. :-)

All pictures taken and copyrighted by Christian Gawin and Seth Haley

A New Desire

Over the past several years, I've written a new year's post nearly every January. A few of them have only made it to my journal, but for me personally, and probably for many of you, it is the time of year to evaluate priorities, and set new goals.  It seems nearly without fail, God speaks some sort of theme into my heart for the following year, meant to be meditated upon, pursued, and applied. This year has been no exception, though the tardiness of writing about it hasn't been so exceptional. I guess one can only write, though, as thoughts are formulated, and this has been at lengthy process for me, yet one that I pray will continue without ceasing this entire next year and beyond.

Several weeks ago, God placed a question in my heart that has grown to cover a wide spectrum of application, but it started out small. "Who do you want to be known as?" In facing reality, most of us would have to admit that our reputation means a great deal to us, and we are usually at least somewhat concerned about the ramifications of our actions and life upon it.

At one point in my life, my goal was to be known as a great piano player. I had aspirations of attending a prestigious music conservatory,  and launching into a career of fame and excitement. My life reflected that desire. Hours were spent every day pursuing that goal, and already at a young age, my aspirations were being somewhat realized. I was known as a teenager that was passionate about music, and was willing to go to great sacrifices to excel at this art.

Later on down the road, after the Lord had done a great work in transforming my life and setting my heart on pursuing Him, my goals changed again. Music to the degree that I was pursuing it was laid down, and I started to pursue after the One who had changed my heart so drastically. Those first years were a series of ups and downs as I waded through countless opinions and ideas of those around me as to what true Christianity and spirituality was. I grew to look up highly to certain individuals, and gradually, my goals changed again - this time to something much more righteous sounding.  I now wanted to be known as a great and spiritual Christian.

Those next years were ones of great wrestling, because as we all know, the ideas around us of what a great Christian is, are as varied as the personalities that walk the street. To one set of people, I was labeled as an ultra-conservative and radical, and to the other, worldly and liberal. To the degree I set myself to please and placate those around me with proof that I was indeed walking with God and sensitive to His Spirit, the more my confusion grew. Truth seemed to not take on as definitive of a form anymore, and I found it much easier to walk with many gray areas in my life. It pleased and satisfied the most people, you know!

I can't put my finger exactly on when my mindset began to change, but it's only been recently that I've been able to put word and thought to it. As God asked me that question pointedly a few weeks ago, "Who do you want to be known as?" in tearful surrender, I realized that only one thing mattered. Only one thing was worth pursuing after. And that one thing was loving God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. I realized that truth and righteousness was perfectly represented and embodied in a Person, and that Person, Jesus Christ, wanted every ounce and bit of my affections and pursuit.

As I've pondered the people who have most affected my life over the years, I've realized that there is one outstanding characteristic that sets them apart from everyone else. It's not the way they dress, it's not what music they do or don't listen to, it's not what church they attend, and it's not what a great soul-winner they are. True, these things may have momentarily make an impression on me, but it's not what I thought about later on. The one thing that set them apart is that they loved God. It was written over their lives. They didn't need to be prompted to speak of Him. He was at their center, and their consumed passion with Him streamed out of their lives as easily as water flows through a creek bed.

Those kind of people make me thirsty. Thirsty to know God better, and they bring to the forefront of my mind the words of Paul, when he cried out in a single-hearted desire, "Oh, that I may know Him!" (Phil. 3:7-10) 1 John's central theme is that having a love for Christ is the foundation to knowledge of Him - it is the very proof and outworking of our knowledge.

Truth is not head knowledge, it is a Person. If I come to end of my life, and am known merely as a woman that had all her I's dotted and T's crossed in moral character and appearance, who had every doctrine in the Bible figured out and followed, and who lived the disciplined life of a saint, I would consider my life a great failure. When Paul said, "I count all things but loss..."  he meant all. He was saying that if anything shines at the forefront of his life other than Jesus Christ, it is a devastating loss.

My prayer for this new year, and for the rest of my life, is that all those things in my life that I see as Biblical truth would be dim and nearly unseen behind the greater testimony that my life is lived, consumed with pleasing, and in love with one Person. That His approval is all that matters because He is the One I love the most.

Designed to produce salivation

If any of you out there have never experienced the joy of baking, I will be the first one to say that is nothing in the kitchen quite so satisfying. At the top of my list, is homemade bread. Apart from being SO much healthier, there is nothing you can buy at the store remotely similar in taste and quality.

I remember as a young child, buying our first Bosch machine, and our family delving into the world of grinding flour, kneading dough, and shaping loaves. If I remember correctly, we would always make 6 loaves, and only four would ever make it into bags. Almost immediately upon leaving the oven, we would slice open two of the steaming, fragrant loaves, slather them in butter and honey, and make a meal right there. Even to this day, I have a hard time resisting that crackly crust on the end of the loaf, still piping hot with butter melted in for a snack.

I dare you, if you've never tried making your own bread, try it, and you may just get hooked too.  :-) Following is the recipe I've grown to love over the past few months. Moist, SO flavorful, and long-lasting. I never store my bread in the fridge, and this easily lasts a week without molding, and still is incredibly moist and tender.

Thanks to some friends, I came across this recipe in a cookbook they gave to me for a bridal shower gift, and it had become my all-time favorite.

I always write in my recipes if I've done an alteration or really like or dislike it. 

I like home-ground flour, I'll admit it. :-) Right now we are fortunate to have one that (sort-of) works, and I'm hoping once it completely wears out we'll be able to replace it. If you as well have the option of grinding your own, I've found a half-and-half mix of hard red wheat, and hard white wheat to work the best. Using just red wheat creates a lot of complication in obtaining a nice rise which equals fluffy wheat, but it also adds a nuttiness that I wouldn't want to trade by using just white wheat. I find the balance works well, and as I made a note in the recipe, I usually use 1-2 cups of white flour in place of the wheat. 100% whole wheat bread is rather tricky to get just right, and I find this eliminates a lot of complications. One other note concerns the wheat gluten. This makes such a huge difference in whole wheat bread, I try to never be out of it. A good rule of thumb in any wheat recipe is 1 Tbsp. per loaf. If you've never tried it, be prepared to have your bread baking revolutionized! :-)

This machine was one of the most generous wedding gifts we received. We use it nearly daily!

If you don't have a Bosch or mixer, this recipe would be easily kneaded by hand.

The nice, pliable lump of dough when it's finished kneading.

This recipe says 6 loaves, but with my size pans, I always do 4.

 I use to have problems with big holes in my bread until a bread taught me to roll it. I found it made such a difference, I don't do it any other way now. 

Make sure to roll it tightly to eliminate a hole at the very beginning.

Tuck the ends under, and it's ready for the oven.

I like to put mine to rise above the vent in the oven while it is warm.

I could have let this rise a bit longer, but I was running short on time and considered this good enough.

Hot out of the oven and brushed with soft butter.

Now if that doesn't make your mouth water, I haven't done my job. :-D

Brokenness

 Brokenness is not a feeling or an emotion. Rather, it requires a choice, an act of the will. Further, this choice is not a one-time experience. True brokenness is an ongoing, constant way of life. True brokenness is a lifestyle - a moment-by-moment lifestyle of agreeing with God about the true condition of my heart and life - not as everyone thinks it is, but as He knows it to be.

Brokenness is the shattering of my self-will - the absolute surrender of my will to the will of God. It is saying "Yes Lord" - no resistance, no chafing, no stubbornness - simply submitting myself to His direction and will in my life.

Brokenness is the stripping of self-reliance and independence from God. The broken person has no confidence in his own righteousness or his own works, but he is cast in total dependence upon the grace of God working in and through him.

Brokenness is the softening of the soil of my heart - it is the breaking up on any clods of resistance that could keep the seed from penetrating and taking root. Believers with broken, contrite hearts are receptive and responsive to the Word.

As wax or clay must be soft and pliable in order to be molded by the artist's hands, so the broken, contrite heart is easily molded by the hand of God and does not harden itself against the circumstances God choose to mold it.

-Nancy Leigh DeMoss
Brokenness: The Heart God Revives

Our Wedding - Part 2

The morning of August 27th dawned early for me, and I woke up with a smile, grateful for a good night's sleep, and hardly able to wrap my mind around the fact it was actually the day. The day I had been waiting for much of my life, and dreamed of so many times. I don't even remember what was on the menu that morning, but a vague recollection of some sort of breakfast casserole given by some friends seems to stick out. Whatever it was, I don't think I was very hungry. :-)

 It was incredibly special for me to have a couple dear girlfriends staying at our house that weekend. One of my bridesmaids, a photographer, and personal attendant/bridal table server combined to make a group of girls that were not only helpful, but so fun. We piled into our vehicles around 8:30, and headed for the church to get ready. The next hour and half was like a whirlwind in one sense, and relaxed in another. I bought my dress from this company and enjoyed the un-complexity of the zip-up back. I chose a simple hair-style, and these factors combined to create a stress-free, fast dressing session. I enjoyed mingling with the musicians that were at the church early to practice, and the different family members also there preparing for pictures.

Our photographer, Seth Haley, arrived at the church around 9:30. He caught a few prep pictures, and then the bridal party headed to a near-by park to take pictures. One of the most satisfying things for me was to have these dear bridesmaids around me that I had chosen in my mind for at least two years before our wedding. Having friends that stick with you through thick and thin is something to be greatly treasured. Having Laurissa, Janelle, and Amy so close around me that day is something I look back with great fondness.

Laurissa - I had to wait nearly 9 years for a sister, but God gave me a treasure in the one He blessed me with. In my earlier years, I often bemoaned the fact that she was so much younger, but she grew up so quickly into a beautiful young lady that quickly locked herself in my heart as one of my closest friends. She continually inspires me with her servant's heart, her sweetness, her enthusiasm for life, and her patient, uncomplicated way of dealing with situations that would would leave me completely stressed out in frustration. I often say that when I grow up, I'll be satisfied if I'm half the woman she's already proven herself to be.

Janelle - I was acquainted with this dear mom-of-four 3 years or so before we really started to get to know each other, but once we broke through those walls of natural reserve, we discovered in each other a soul-kinship that has grown incredibly deep over the years. Janelle is not only a friend that challenges me with her unwavering joy, servants heart, submissiveness to life's difficult circumstances, and spunky love of life, but one that has cried and shared with me through some of the hardest season's in life that I've walked through. I can never hide anything from her, and her knowledge of some of the tenderest things of my heart only endears her more to me!

Amy - Other than my sister, Amy is probably the longest standing friend I have ever had. We met very shortly after our family made a huge move to a different state, and although our friendship has grown slowly over the past 10 years, it has proved itself to be a solid, and lasting one. Amy has always had the gift of a listening ear, and is a friend I can always count on for prayer. Never have I been more grateful for modern technology as now, as many, many miles separate us as she serves the Lord in India. She is one of those sorts of friends that I would travel around the world to see many times over. Lord willing, Joel and I will get to do that some day.





My two other chosen bridesmaids were sadly not able to attend our wedding. My dear friend Megan Knapp from Alaska had a baby shortly before our wedding, and Cheri Cross had college commitments in Georgia. Their absence left a hole, and years before I never would have dreamed they couldn't be there to share the most special day of my life. Life does move on for all of us, though, and I am incredibly excited to see God's directing hand in their lives, and their faithfulness to follow His will.

Also around me were so many other dear friends that I hardly have space to mention here. Photographer friends, bridal table servers, decorators, kitchen helpers, and servers, musicians.... Each one played such a vital role, and my biggest regret about our wedding is that I couldn't spend the time with each one the way I wanted to.

I'm going to close this post with an assortment of pictures taken by Seth of our bridal party. We had a blast, and Seth did such a wonderful job of putting us all at ease, and capturing the moments that were so special. :-)

All pictures taken by Seth Haley except #1 and #2 which are credited to Linda Newman.